My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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