I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
