I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
