lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
