I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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