She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
