I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
