worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
