I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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