I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
