hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
