Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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