I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
