Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
