just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
