Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
