I hope my margaritas pass through security.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
