matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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