we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She needs sedatives and a leash
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
