im about as happy as oj after his trial
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
