AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
