I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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