im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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