Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
