Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
