my phone needs a breathalizer
My balls are so social today.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
