He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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