so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
