so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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