If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Randomize
