dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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