I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
