I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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