I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
