If that was your dad, he is hot
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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