hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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