He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
