I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
