At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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