I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My penis needs a shock collar
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
