New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
