This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
