he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
