Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
