Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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