farters have to be the big spoon...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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