my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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