I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
