he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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