fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
