Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Randomize
