theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
