She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm both gender and math confused
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
